Oh, Antoine.

I thought you and your interviews and your halloween costumes and your soundboards and your wigs and your parodies and your parodies' parodies would never get old.

I was wrong.

I think I'll send my friends a New Year's greeting from myself, if that's all right.

Par-tay

"Uhh, yes...Uncle Julio's? I'm interested in a 'Soft Taco Party'. I'd say about 10 guests. It's a bachelor party. Two or three per person? Wow, that seems like a lot. Caterer? Wait...You know what, I have the wrong number. Bye."

I am here

Why do I need emergency exit information if I'm outside the building?

/Get rid of the key and just write "You are here" on the map, idiots.

Jello Shots

Wow, it's been three full months since my last post! I've been quite busy.

But I return to you today to discuss something I find rather disturbing:




Jello injections.

One of two things is happening here--the person who wrote this sign has never actually seen a jello shot, or this Chicago diner is serving up a dangerous concoction. It may only cost $1, but I can't see the benefit in having a semi-solid shot into my veins. Ouch.

On the plus side, this is a good way to discourage your kids from drinking. "I know you heard your brother and his college friends talking about how much fun they had with jello shots, but see this sign right here? Remember when you went to the doctor last? Yeah, it hurts, doesn't it? That's right. Jello shots are bad and hurt a lot."

NOT SAFE

"Sell out risk high"?!?

Who the fuck is driving around straightening their hair?

Oh, wait. It's this lady:

T-T-T-Toilet Face T-T-Toilet Face

I'd like to put something gross in a toilet in a public restroom, and then install a hidden camera to see the looks on people's faces when they open the stall door. I'd use the third or fourth stall--those always seem to be the most often used and have the most disgusting things in them. It'd be hilarious.

I wondered why half the time I post it's toilet-related, but then I remembered I work in a building with a number of people who have very little toiletiquette.

Yeah, I just made that up. Remain in awe of my tremendous vocabulation skills.

FarmVille Announcement

Hey, FarmVille fans. Guess what. We've got BRAND NEW FEATURES!! They're so amazing. Steve Jobs might even call them "revolutionary". It's so super exciting!

You want to see them, don't you?

You know you do.

Come on! Check them out.



Oh, the page isn't loading? That's okay, try again! Surely you want to see these new features, right?



Loading bar still stuck? Well come on! Refresh your page! THE FEATURES ARE THERE!

NEW! FEATURES!



Aww, rats. Well, looks like FarmVille is experiencing connection issues! Try refreshing your page 60 times in vain again tomorrow for a chance to win FREE FARM CASH!

Sidenote: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why must you break your own crap trying to implement bullshit? Let me in to my farm before my freaking blueberries wilt. GOSH.

Toilet Talk

I'd like to address another topic regarding public restrooms: hairs left on the toilet seat.

Now, it may just be my own fear of hair (Is there a word for fear of hair? I'm looking it up now…okay, I found a few but I think my personal issues are far less severe), but I find loose hair on a toilet seat particularly disgusting.

Let's talk about the different types of hair one might find in this location:
Long, dark hair
Long, light hair
Short, dark hair
Short, light hair
Short, dark, curly hair

The last of these is by far the worst.

So another rule for toilet usage: Ladies, if you get up to flush, and see one of your hairs left on the seat (any of these types, not just the pube-esque), please remove it. Blow it onto the floor, brush it into the bowl with a piece of toilet paper--just get rid of it.

Blech.

Dear Mars, Inc.

This is unacceptable.



ONE red Skittle?

I do understand that this is a "Fun Size" pouch, but this should be an adequate sampling of a regularly sized bag.

Ridiculous.

Ophthalmologists is the Debbil!

First, because that word is incredibly hard to spell and I had to look it up twice.

Second, because their offices contain this contraption:



What, you ask, is this medieval torture device?

Glaucoma test, my ass. Nobody touches my eyeballs. NOBODY!

Another Stella Look-Alike

Since it's getting close to time for the winter olympics, I thought I'd post another doppleganger I've previously noted (oddly enough, another member of the Stella cast):


Michael Showalter


Joey Cheek

[Sidenote: What is going on with that speedskater Michael Jackson-esque one glove thing?]